


this sinking ship

by embalmers



Category: Tales of Symphonia
Genre: Alternate Universe - Post-Canon, Father/Son Incest, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-09-19
Updated: 2019-10-19
Packaged: 2020-10-05 02:20:10
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 7,823
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20481248
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/embalmers/pseuds/embalmers
Summary: A what if scenario exploring what might happen if Kratos stays and travels with Lloyd to collect the exspheres.





	1. Chapter 1

All he felt standing right now was the pain of knowing exactly what was to come. They both knew but weren’t going to acknowledge it until it was about to happen. Lloyd was running out of time.

If he were here under any other circumstances, he was sure he’d be able to relax. But all he could feel was on edge. Hyper aware of the tension in his shoulders.

The purple sky was closer to blue in his eyes, no bleeding of orange, just gradually fading in the distance. It was a true gradient this evening. Nothing broke it or disturbed it except a few clouds on the horizon.

And the corn came up to his hips. Yellow for miles.

He really wished they were here under different circumstances.

A rustle behind him but he didn’t need to look. Him and Kratos were the only two here.

Frankly, he wouldn’t be surprised if the other wasn’t there when he turned around. So, he didn’t.

The fact that this was the only option that Kratos could see pissed him off to no end. It made sense. Too much sense. Fit so well with his character. But after everything, he thought just maybe that the stubborn asshole could see that leaving wasn’t the only path. That being together even if it were painful or awkward at first would be better than that.

What good would it do for him being alone? 

He didn’t understand Kratos’ mindset well enough to know how he thought that was the best course of action. Of course, it hurt him to be here, but they had the chance now, one they’d never get again, to connect. To finally know each other after 15 years apart. Maybe he didn’t feel worthy or comfortable being a father to him anymore. That was fine with him. Maybe he thought that there was no point to him being by Lloyd’s side. He was wrong. Why couldn’t he see that? They were better together than they were apart.

“Are you alright?”

He felt like throwing that question back at him in frustration at everything Kratos related in his mind currently, but he needed to let all this out tomorrow, not today. Sighing and breathing out slowly, he turned and looked over at his companion.

To anyone else he would look annoyed. That was just what his face looked like to many.

But Lloyd saw a man utterly exhausted while at the same time more relaxed than ever.

The pressure of Mithos and connecting the two worlds had only been Lloyd’s concern for mere months. Kratos had been carrying it for thousands of years.

Vowing right there and then, he would make the other see this wasn’t the only way. The red head had already resigned to his fate. Lloyd would not.

“Yeah. I’m fine,” he smiled.

He was on edge still, but the sight that Kratos made backlit by purple and orange eased everything a little.

“Good.”

And that’s where their conversation ended.

“Please use that sword to send me to Derris Kharlan.”

This was it. He’d made his peace with not seeing him again. He’d lost him once this would be no different.

There were many who could walk by Lloyd’s side. He did not need him on that list.

The past few days they’d spent together were more than enough for a lifetime.

“No.”

Kratos hadn’t expected that.

“Excuse me?”

“I’m not going to let you leave and do what…? Mope all alone, consumed in your own guilt on some far away planet? What good does it do Kratos? Please tell me because I’m finding it hard to find any positives to it.”

He hadn’t thought that Lloyd of all people would be the one to deny him this. He _knew_ why he was doing this.

Truly he didn’t know how to respond, so he did what he always did when words faltered.

“Lloyd.”

“No, no, don’t Lloyd me.”

He had never been good at knowing what to say.

“I’ll say what I’ve been thinking about for the past few days. And when I’m done, we’ll go from there. I get it, you’re tired and you’ve lived too long. I think I’d go a bit off the rails living even 100 years more than I should, let alone 4000 like you.”

He would live 8000 years more, suffering through it all each and every day, to make sure Lloyd never lived the 4000 he had. The thought of him having to go down the same path as himself, doomed to that fate, made him sick. Yuan had mentioned to him once about the possibility of Lloyd being a half-angel and he immediately stopped him from talking. The thought was too much to bare. If he’d cursed him to this existence and long life through birth it was another failure on his part.

“I don’t know how you feel about a lot of things. I don’t know if what you’re feeling is unworthiness, self-hatred or just not belonging. If you even view me as your son anymore or feel like you deserve to be a father. But it doesn’t matter to me, I don’t care. I don’t mind if you can’t be a father anymore. You deserve to be here like everyone else. I told you that before, but you deserve to live and be by my side.”

As much as he’d like to believe him, he couldn’t. He didn’t know if he ever could. And that was the issue, there was no one better than himself to know that he would never be able to believe that. After 4000 years, habit and stubbornness would be traits he’d never be able to drop. The one time he had finally broken through his programming, he had been shot down and forced to compromise. It was all Lloyd’s effort this time around to fix things, Kratos’ actions hadn’t done that. So, he knew that he could never believe the words that Lloyd said or his reassurances. And if he stayed, Lloyd would realise that soon too. There was no point in staying.

“It might be awkward or painful at first. And we won’t figure things out immediately. But we can know each other. And form a relationship. I mean, I know I want to. And I’m sure you do but might not feel like you deserve it or something. I’m giving you another option here. To anyone else I’m sure I wouldn’t have to even say all this, they’d already know this is a perfectly fine option, but it’s you so….”

Of all Kratos’ failures, Lloyd was not his biggest. Letting Mithos carry on for how long he did might have been close. But the one he held the most regret for was turning his own blade upon his son not once but twice. He had no right to call him his son when he had treated him that way. And frankly Lloyd was right, he couldn’t be a father to him anymore. The father that he had been to him had died when Lloyd had. Coming face to face with an almost adult Lloyd who was alive in the flesh had thrown him off completely. Logically, he knew this was the same child he had known for a brief few years, but the man Lloyd was now was not his son. Maybe Lloyd felt the same way; he did not know. He would know if he was a good father, but he was not. He wasn’t even a good man.

But when Lloyd was looking at him like that, pleading and asking only one thing of him, something so simple, just to stay, how could he deny him? He was too soft-hearted and forgiving. If it were anyone else, they’d be outraged and angered that they’d tried to kill them before, that they betrayed their trust and left them. That he was leaving now. But after it all, Lloyd still didn’t want to give up on them while he had already given up.

“Please.”

And with that, what could he do? Lloyd was refusing to send him away. He’s sure that if he insisted, maybe even threatened he’d give in. He wouldn’t want to, probably would regret it for his whole life but it would get the job done and he’d be away from him like he wanted. The last memory Lloyd would be left with would be being rejected and left alone. Lloyd had forced him to an ultimatum. It was decided before he’d even spoke. He would be staying.

“I can’t guarantee I will be any bit pleasant or good company. Nor can I can tell you I will believe what you’ve said about me being worthy or right by your side. But if this is what you wish then so be it.”

It was silent for a while, Lloyd’s face passing through emotions, probably processing that he’d agreed to stay with him. Then he settled with a smile directed at him. Soft, fond and relieved. If he thought the sight was beautiful then he’d take that thought to his grave.

“Thank you.”

“Where do you want to start collecting the exspheres?”

A soft non-committal grumble came from Lloyd who was currently laying on his chest.

“Mmm… I almost forgot about that.”

He didn’t remember Lloyd not being a morning person but then again maybe with the aftermath of all the events of the past months he needed his rest and a break. Kratos wished he could have that luxury.

“Lloyd.”

“Yeah, yeah. How about Tethe’alla? I didn’t get to travel with you there since you were… y’know stalking me and going behind your bosses back and all that.”

With an exasperated sigh, Kratos closed his eyes. That was one way to word it.

“Tethe’alla it is then.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> this first chapter can be summarised as [this](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D6YST0gXsAAuLL2.jpg)
> 
> hehe so ive had this fic in mind since june. its not dawn of the new compliant, i only watched like one hour of it and that was enough lol. i did use it to reference how some locations in this fic changed but other than that, its not compliant nor does it have any of the issues that come w it ie. ratatosk, sylvarant and tetheallan ppl hating each other, lloyd becoming a mass murderer etc. might be a cop out but also i dont want to rewrite this trying to fit with a game i havent played  
im trying for a more serious side to things and more realistic look at kratos n lloyds relationship in this and the reality of if he stays.. so if you want a fluffy happy story of them travelling together this aint the one tho there might be a few brief bits of that
> 
> cornfield scene is a tiny reference to another fic i wrote with them two in that field. its based off the symphonia opening with [this shot](https://pbs.twimg.com/media/D7LplHeWkAA273i.jpg)
> 
> i don’t have anyone checking for grammar/spelling errors so apologies if there are any  
thank you for reading!


	2. Chapter 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes the way to make progress is swords clasing and a slash on the cheek.

He knew that things wouldn’t be sunshine and rainbows with Kratos agreeing to travel with him; things would be awkward and not right for a while. He knew that.

So why was he so angry and agitated at the lack of progress they were making?

Six months. Six months and all his efforts to try get to know him had fell on deaf ears. Any attempt to try to pry and get answers to just simple questions were avoided. It was the exact same thing he had been doing when they’d been travelling together the first time around. Back then it had been a mere curiosity and just a passing thought, that he'll open up one day. Now, it was different with the weight of what they were and had been through.

Kratos hadn’t promised him anything though. No guarantee or wish to get to know him like he had expressed to him. Lloyd really had no excuse to be feeling this way when it wasn’t an obligation to the other to respond to him.

They still trained together, Kratos followed him wherever he went, and he even made the odd observation or two on their surroundings or where they’d be staying. But anything further than that was just ignored.

On one hand, Lloyd could accept this as how it would be. He could resign to this being their relationship and stop trying to connect. He could give up.

Like hell he’d do that.

Training with Kratos these days was easier than it used to be. He’d been so unskilled and weak before; annoyed at having to admit he wasn’t the best at using a sword, flustered and embarrassed easily when the mercenary critiqued or pointed out something wrong with his stance or technique.

He hadn’t beaten Kratos once then.

Even now, when he’d fought against Mithos and tons of other formidable foes, he sometimes didn’t win against him these days.

Today he was going to win.

“Hey, did you have a teacher yourself?”

Kratos flinched as the words left Lloyd’s mouth. Bingo.

Using the opening, he brought them closer together, clashed his two swords with the single one. The red head was frowning at him which was to be expected, he kicked Lloyd away and came swinging at him. Keeping on his toes, he dodged and skidded away from the other.

“I mean, to get this good you couldn’t have been self-taught like me, right? Or maybe you were?”

Kratos came at him again, Lloyd defended again. Honestly, he was stilling learning to reign in his urge to rush in like he used to. If he looked closely, he could see his sparring partner’s knuckles had turned white gripping the sword and his jaw set tighter.

There was also something intense in his eyes as he slammed his sword against Lloyd’s defensive stance. Anger…? Maybe this wasn’t the best approach. It was too late to stop now though.

“Someone who is skilled enough to teach Mithos and look how strong he was. Who taught you?”

A slash and the swords in his hands were on the ground. He reacted too slowly, surprised at the speed of his weapons suddenly being knocked away and ended up tripping backwards instead of dodging.

He didn’t even notice the pain when he landed on the ground.

Kratos had sliced his cheek.

Lloyd didn’t even have time to touch his face, to look at the blood as it would stain his hands because the other was yelling now.

“Why do you provoke me? What good does it do to know something so small and meaningless? I was a knight and got trained like that. Does that make any difference to anything at all?”

He could only stare and gape as he heard the most about Kratos’ past than he had in months. The blood running down his face didn’t even matter, he smiled. Finally, he was getting somewhere.

“It does matter. If it’s a matter concerning you then that matters to me. It doesn’t matter how small or insignificant it seems.”

All he did was frown and grip his sword tighter. It wasn’t pointed at him at all just at his side. Lloyd wasn’t scared though. He had been terrified and shocked when he’d betrayed them, being on his knees in front of Kratos about to kill him… Lloyd had thought he was about to die for sure.

Now though, aside from the cheek wound, he knew he wouldn’t get hurt.

“Kratos this is how people get to know each other, you know, by finding out small things that probably seem pointless at first but matter in the bigger picture of things.”

He couldn’t believe he was the one having to tell him this.

The pain in his cheek was stinging and as much as he tried to hold in the pain and not let the conversation get derailed, it hurt a lot. Eyes scrunched up, he wiped his face around the sensitive area and his already red material was stained darker.

A sigh could be heard and then Kratos put away his sword and approached him. His eyes were only drawn to the red all over Lloyd’s face.

“Heh, if only I didn’t have to be injured for us to be having this conversation.”

The other still hadn’t said anything but bent down and put a hand over his wound. At first, he thought he was going to touch it and immediately scooted away, but it just hovered over instead. A warmth spread through his face and the searing and stinging was gone.

He was still hesitant to touch his face; the fear of it stinging again under a single touch was very real. And from the looks of things, Kratos’ healing hadn’t cleared away the blood still covering him.

Lloyd didn’t want to end this right now though, not when he had finally gotten through to him.

“Look, I’m sorry,” he started quietly. Kratos wasn’t looking at him, staring off to the side. It didn’t matter, as long as he heard.

“I shouldn’t have brought up stuff to deliberately get a rise out of you. It’s just… we can’t keep going like this. I want to know you; you can answer questions I ask, you just proved it! It wasn’t so bad right? Just, give me something here.”

He didn’t say anything in response and Lloyd felt stupid. He was sounding like a whining child begging for attention but the silences that spanned while they walked and questions that he asked which went unanswered were really getting to him.

And… if he had a non-forgiving bone in his body, he would demand he had the right to be angry. For a lot of things. But he just couldn’t.

Kratos already felt awful for so many of his actions and at himself. He really didn’t need him adding to that. He’d forgiven the cut of his cheek the second it had happened.

Maybe it was unhealthy, but that was a thought for another day.

The older man looked at Lloyd finally and nodded at him. Confusion covered Lloyd’s face. What did that mean? It must have shown because Kratos smiled very slightly.

If his eyes had lit up and any thoughts about how unhealthy they were had been vanished at the sight of it that was no business of anyone but himself.

“I’ll try my best. I… I honestly didn’t think you would care much about any answers I would give.”

Lloyd heaved himself up from the ground and dusted himself off but with a smile. Kratos really was an idiot.

“Well I do care alright? Now we got that sorted, help me clean off this blood.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> short chapter.. i struggled for ages writing this one and im still not satisfied but it does its job
> 
> i dont have anyone checking for grammar/spelling errors so sorry if there are any  
thanks for reading!


	3. Chapter 3

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> A visit to the world tree.

Yggdrasil was growing nicely.

It had almost been a year since the new world tree had been gifted to Aselia and it was already in a far better state than how it had been when it was first planted.

Lloyd could remember that day easily. The massive tree blocking out the sky, covering him in shadow and forcing him to crane his neck to see the entirety of it. He’d almost mistaken it for the real deal until Martel had shown its actual form; just a tiny sapling. The future held great prospects for it if the vision from the goddess was anything to go by.

The state of the surroundings had been crushed rubble going on for miles. It was all Lloyd could focus on once Martel had vanished, how easily the tiny sapling could have been trod or destroyed with just one step. You could barely notice it amongst the debris.

And that was their hope for the future, something so small and fragile.

Now though, it had changed. It was still tiny, but it held its own ground and wasn’t threatened by someone stepping on it by accident. It came up to Lloyd’s hip and all the rubble had taken green form now. Even a small trickle of water fell and formed a pool behind the tree.

It was a beautiful place.

He just wished he knew what to say or talk about.

Kratos wasn’t the best conversational partner, they hadn’t exactly had much to talk about before and they still didn’t now. Before, Lloyd hadn’t really thought much about ways to make conversation with the mercenary, he was curious about him sure and got annoyed when he managed to find ways to dodge around whatever questions or small ways he’d been trying to get to know him. But back then he always thought that he’d just open up eventually and that there wasn’t any point to pushing the issue.

Then he betrayed the them. So that had worked out well.

He’d been thinking like they had all the time in the world.

A sudden thought popped into his mind.

“Hey, what was the tree like back in, uh, your time?”

An awful way to word it, Kratos’ time was still here and now after all. He was half tempted to retract the question with how badly he’d said it and the look on the other’s face at the sound of it but decided otherwise. They had been making progress though, Kratos was trying his best to answer questions and himself trying to keep insisting and pushing on answers. Lloyd wouldn’t back down now.

“The whole cause of the war was magitechnology which used up too much mana. And that in turn deteriorated the tree itself with how much was being taken away from it. So, I can’t say it was in good condition. If you expect fond memories from me, I can’t give them. From drawings and writings when it was in a better state, it was very similar to what Martel showed you this one might look like.”

The tone and how he worded it all made Lloyd feel slightly on edge, but he couldn’t explain why.

He restrained himself from lashing out about how he didn’t expect any type of response from him, happy with whatever he’d give him.

“We thought things would be fine when we ended the war. But that wasn’t the case. Martel dying threw everything off course and lost any way for the worlds to be reunited.”

And then he realised where this was going. Before he could open his mouth to respond, Kratos was already continuing.

“It only takes one unavoidable event to ruin the future. I’m doubtful that this tree will get through with nothing standing in its way.”

There it was. That pessimistic view. He had no hope for the future state of the world. But then again, Lloyd couldn’t blame him entirely when Kratos had seen how it had failed first-hand before. That was something Lloyd would never experience nor be able to understand entirely.

“You… You don’t know that,” he said quietly.

It was silent. Only the trickle of water and slight breeze could be heard.

“The world likes to repeat it’s mistakes.”

“You don’t know that!”

Clenched fists. Raised probably trembling voice. He couldn’t care less how stupid he sounded.

“You don’t know that’s going to happen again. You can’t just rule out the possibility of hope. This stuff hasn’t happened yet, you can’t just deny any success before it’s even had a chance of happening yet!”

He didn’t dare look at the other, didn’t want to see the utter state of defeat and pessimism riddling him. Lloyd knew things would be like this when he’d made him stay. Knew that this wasn’t going to be easy and that it was a big thing asking this of him. That progress wouldn’t happen immediately. And yet it never got easier each time things like this arose.

Was he the one in the wrong here? Was he just supposed to accept and smile when Kratos just ruled out any hope of a future? After they’d worked so hard to save this world, was he telling him that it was all for nothing?

It wasn’t fair to police him on just voicing his opinions and thoughts, he knew that but when this happened at every opportunity, he had to wonder what he was doing so wrong that they kept taking steps back and never any forward.

And then Lloyd remembered where they were and how this had all started just asking Kratos to tell him about the tree.

“We shouldn’t be doing this here,” he sighs out.

They shouldn’t be doing this at all but here they are.

The tree needed love to grow, that’s what Martel had said. It would end up proving Kratos was right if they kept this up in front of it.

They walked away in tense silence.

Kratos could feel the disappointment emanating from Lloyd, obvious from the downcast expression and sad eyes.

Lloyd was always the one reaching out to him. He felt awful for being the cause of such expression. He knew he’d been the cause of it before, when he’d betrayed him, at origin’s seal. How he kept being the one to repeatedly, now they were together so much.

Back then he couldn’t apologize for his actions, even if he had, he couldn’t forgive himself despite Lloyd always forgiving him.

Truth be told he didn’t know what he expected of him. He wanted him to be more open with him but when he was it was always negativity and made him sad or angry. And when he tried to hide that away to avoid hurting Lloyd, that made him angry too. He didn’t know what to do.

He was repeating his mistakes yet again.

But he could try and not make matters worse at the very least.

“Despite everything… you have given me some hope.”

The sad look hadn’t left but it caught his attention at least. He’d been staring intensely at anything but him.

Kratos didn’t know what was worse, that look directed right at him knowing he was the cause or being ignored completely.

“I used to not believe in any way but Mithos’. I tried to break the cycle once and failed. That was that for me. But nothing ever stopped or dissuaded you. Thousands of years of the same suffering was put to an end thanks to you.”

Showing appreciation to Lloyd was hard, putting it into words was even harder. All he knew was saying the wrong thing and nothing else.

Lloyd kept giving him chances though. Looking at his face now, you wouldn’t have thought he was down a second ago. Now his eyes were wide, captured by what Kratos was saying.

He couldn’t believe he was saying any of this either.

“I can’t say I’m hopeful for the future still; people like you are few and far between.”

“Well you’ll be around.”

It suddenly dawned on Kratos that his son would die before him. While he was doomed to live another four, seven, ten thousand years, Lloyd would be long gone from this world.

And Lloyd seemed absolutely fine with that.

Looking over at him, he hadn’t seemed to realise the gravity of what he’d said. To condemn him to this existence for eternity. He was no Martel; he couldn’t be a guardian for this world. It was touching that Lloyd viewed him like that but at the end of it all, he was only a man who’d outstayed his welcome; who wasn’t allowed to leave just yet.

There was also the frightening thought of Lloyd dying for a fourth time.

When Lloyd had died the first time, him being a father had died with him. There was no point to clinging to that when all that he’d loved was gone now. And when he had come back to him, he must have truly not believed it or felt it to be real as he’d pointed his blade at him twice, almost killing him twice. Torn between two paths and loyalties, he’d stayed loyal to one student but turned his back on the other.

Despite all that, the thought of Lloyd dying for the last time made him feel something he could not connect a word to. On one hand, he never wanted Lloyd to have to live out a life as long as he has. He would bring out his blade again to end it himself with no regret if it was discovered Lloyd was doomed to immortality.

But on the other hand, now he had him back, he never wanted to let him go again.

Kratos had been so willing to leave and so scared of getting attached again but now he was here with him again he couldn’t imagine it any other way.

He wasn’t lying when he had said Lloyd had given him some hope.

“Yes, I guess I will be.”

What went unsaid was that when Lloyd died, whenever that may be, he would die too. His final attachment and reason keeping him around would be gone.

“See? Nothing bad will happen with you around.”

Probably the only good thing Kratos had said to him for a while and it was a lie. For once, he was thanking them not knowing each other well to be able to conceal things like this.

Lloyd had a smiled on his face, but it didn’t reach his eyes.

Maybe he was faking it to make him feel better and avoid more conflict. He did not know.

Again, they left in silence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> im going thru the motions posting these chapters ive gotta admit >_<  
either way i hope at least like one person gets some enjoyment out of this even if i dont anymore
> 
> i don't have anyone checking for grammar/spelling errors so sorry if there are any  
thanks for reading!


	4. Chapter 4

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Flanoir revisited.

Freezing to death in the Flanoir snow was on Lloyd’s agenda today it seemed. In the face of death, he just put on a weak smile and tried to make conversation with his companion who didn’t ever want to respond to him.

“This cold takes me back,” he managed to get out as he shivered violently.

Glancing over at Kratos, he was ever the perfect image of stoic. It pissed him off that he didn’t seem at all bothered over the cold while he was stuck with clinging a thin cape to himself for warmth.

He thought there might be a look of annoyance on the other’s face but maybe it was the cold making him imagine things. Lloyd hoped if he was annoyed, it was at the snow, not him.

“Hey, aren’t you…uh like freezing?”

“No, I don’t feel the cold.”

“Huh.”

Of course, it made sense now when he put it into perspective. He hadn’t been bothered in the slightest over the Triet heat. All Lloyd had done back then was complain about it. If he could revisit those scenes back then, he was sure he’d be as annoyed as Kratos had been at him acting like that. Also, he would probably want to hit himself with how unobservant he was to the mercenary, maybe if he’d paid attention to the hints he’d been dropping, he might not have gotten them into this mess in the first place.

That was wishful thinking though, they couldn’t change what had happened. It reminded him though…

“I mean, Colette couldn’t feel pain or taste and she couldn’t feel heat or cold, but she still had her personality and stuff. The angels we saw in Derris Kharlan had no emotions or feelings but you’re different. The same with Yuan.”

Lloyd must have said something wrong because Kratos just narrowed his eyes. It was hard to read what exactly he was feeling when the cold was getting to him this much, but he knew that he’d brought up something that shouldn’t have been said.

He was tired of this. Tiptoeing around subjects, not knowing what did or did not warrant avoidance. He wasn’t dumb, he knew a few things which should be left alone.

But… he just wants to know more about him. Was that so much to ask?

“I had a different process to become an angel than the chosen or those in Derris Kharlan.”

He knew this vaguely, but he also didn’t. Of course, it was different, he was a human whereas those there were half-elves. There’s so much he should know but doesn’t.

“Hm… different how?” he ventured. He hadn’t expected an answer at all truthfully but maybe he was overreacting.

“I had to ingest Aionis. I will spare you the details, but it was not a pleasant experience. Aside from completing the journey of regeneration as a chosen, it is the only way for a human to become an angel.”

It clicked suddenly.

“Then that’s how- “

“Yes.”

He felt awful now. Truly awful. The fact he hadn’t even thought to ask about how Zelos had gotten those wings, _who_ had supplied him with the means and information to get them.

Things had happened so fast back then. Kratos was never there to supply him with answers that weren’t vague and cryptic and Zelos never trusted him and was dead. There had never been an opportunity to just stop and talk. Have things answered. The only chance they’d had was in the town they were approaching now and even then, it was cut short.

That what this whole travelling together was for though; for getting answers. For finally being allowed to stop and talk. To know each other.

It didn’t feel like it.

“I didn’t answer your question well, I like the chosen cannot feel cold or heat, cannot taste. I cannot sleep. I would not wish this transformation upon anyone. The upside is for a very select few, you still retain your emotions and feelings, but the trade is not worth it. No one should live this long.”

Kratos voice snapped him out of his thoughts and Lloyd became aware he’d just been staring at the snow continuously falling this whole time not even looking at Kratos. Just content hearing him. The sight when he did was only what he could describe as someone who desperately needed a rest.

The man hadn’t slept in 4000 years registered in the back of his mind.

“You haven’t been sleeping this whole time?”

“You get used to it.”

He really shouldn’t have to get used to that but it’s not like Lloyd could do anything about it.

“I guess you were always the one taking watches and staying up late,” he remarked.

He must have said the only good thing in a while because Kratos was smiling very slightly at the response. While he was here shivering and teeth chattering, he was there smiling not even bothered about the cold. It pissed him off. The other must have finally realised he was in fact going to die of hypothermia, and took off his cape, putting it over Lloyd’s shoulders instead.

“You jerk! I’ve been shivering and freezing this entire time, you break the news to me you haven’t been feeling it all along and only now you’re giving this to me?! …Thanks though.”

“Sorry. I forget sometimes.”

“Hm, but you eat everyday though.”

The picture that Kratos made in the middle of a snowstorm with nothing on but a sleeveless spandex shirt was too much. Lloyd had to bury his giggle into the newly acquired cape and look away.

This felt better than before now. And all it had taken was one smile from Kratos.

He had it bad.

“It becomes a habit. It also keeps me connected to something I used to enjoy, even if I’m going through the motions.”

Lloyd could understand that; he’d felt sick when the same had happened to Colette. Her smile when she could taste again was a joy to see. While she kept eating to keep up a façade, he wondered if she also had tried too to keep that connection. to maybe one day find out she could suddenly taste again. Something so fundamental. Something so…

“It keeps you feeling alive?”

Kratos was quiet for a bit.

“You could say that.”

Looking down as he kept crushing the perfect blanket of snow beneath with his steps, he knew they would be arriving in Flanoir soon. He could finally get out of the cold, but while they were here, he wasn’t sure he wanted to end the conversation on that. This was one of the first times they’d been having a pleasant one for once.

“How about tomatoes then?”

“I would never eat them before I lost my sense of taste and that sentiment still stands now, even if I can’t taste them.”

He was so serious in how he answered, Lloyd couldn’t help but giggle.

“I guess I probably wouldn’t eat them either even if I couldn’t taste them. They’re gross.”

“When I found out you also shared my distaste of them, I honestly had a really hard time restraining myself from revealing all right there and then. I really wanted to hug you.”

And there he found himself almost tripping over nothing in the snow and his face beat red. He told himself it was from the cold. All he’d been doing on this journey was trying to get responses and conversations out of the red head, but then never prepared for when they actually come.

“I mean… I probably wouldn’t have understood why at the time but hey I wouldn’t have minded.”

He couldn’t look at him in the eye after his response. There was a hand in his hair patting his head.

Lloyd was bright red the rest of the way to Flanoir.

Kratos’ cape around him was long abandoned now they were standing out on the balcony. They’d dropped off their belongings at the inn, had dinner. After their conversation, he couldn’t help but feel awkward with Kratos eating in front of him knowing there was no purpose behind it. This had been going on for thousands of years before him, but Lloyd was only finding out just now how a simple act like food which he was subjecting him to each and every day, reminded him of his existence. Never ending and lacking in things that made it worthwhile.

Maybe what Yuan had said about making him suffer was right. But… there were still other ways to enjoy life. He hadn’t lost everything yet. He had him. Lloyd just hoped that was enough.

And they were making progress. They were doing better than before. He’d seen Kratos smiling today and they hadn’t argued in quite a while. Things were better than before, still awkward sometimes when there was nothing to talk about for days, but they were getting better. It was just moments of anxiety and doubt that went as quickly as they passed in his mind.

He was feeling it now to be honest. Just standing there together in the same spot a year and a half ago. Would it be bad to bring up back then? Should he try to think of something else to talk about? Ignore the history of this place and just instead say the view is lovely?

Lloyd sighed.

He was worrying about nothing. He needed to relax.

“All we ever seem to talk about is the past.”

Kratos’ voice broke the silence.

_What?_

He wasn’t sure if he said it out loud or not, but he continued anyway.

“I am not sure if me being here still is worth anything. It’s been over a year Lloyd. What has changed?”

If only he could get his mouth to work but Kratos’ words had frozen him in place better than any Flanoir snow could. All he could do was listen as the bombardment of information that all he thought was getting better, was in fact a lie.

He wants to cry.

“Us being together has not changed my mindset nor my thoughts on any future or my own self. There is no point to me being here when all the times I speak, it either causes you sadness or discomfort. When you speak, I am too bothered by the past to be able to have a decent conversation with you. How is that fair to you Lloyd?”

_It doesn’t matter, I don’t care. Just as long as you’re here, I’ll put up with whatever for you to be by my side._

“I know that back when you demanded I stay, I agreed. I also knew that if at the time, I had insisted, I could have convinced you to send me away. But I didn’t. I’ll still stay if you insist, but please think about what the point to me being here is and why you are still keeping me here. What are you gaining except unhappiness?”

Kratos was silent after that and allowed him to think, to process everything he’d just been told.

He was shocked beyond words and part of Lloyd wondered if the man had mind reading powers just to drop this bombshell on him right at the moment he was thinking things were settling into place. But he’d been so wrong.

Is this what heart break felt like? He hoped it was just the cold making his heart ache so much.

“I… I’d rather you be here, not having anything to talk about, not making any progress than not be here at all.”

“You’d make me suffer just to be by your side?”

“I didn’t say that!”

Lloyd gripped the balcony as tight as he could. He could feel the snow seeping through his gloves, wetting his hands but he couldn’t care less. Just needed something to latch onto and hold him up.

He allows his knuckles to turn white under the gloves with how hard he grips and sighs.

“I didn’t say that,” he tries a bit quieter.

“I just want you in my life. If you left, there would be absolutely no chance of us ever getting to know one another and things would never change. That would be a fact. But if you’re here, there is always that tiny chance that we might be able to improve. That you won’t feel like this anymore. What you’re suggesting is just ruling that out completely.”

Shutting his eyes, he hopes desperately that it can reach through to him. At the beginning of this ordeal he truly believed he could. He isn’t sure anymore.

“Things will change, they have to. You won’t feel like this forever.”

“I don’t agree.”

What could he do with that? What could he say?

Lloyd wanted him in whatever way Kratos was. He would take anything, just as long as he was still by his side. It didn’t matter to him if they didn’t talk. It didn’t matter if he was always negative, as long as he was there. He instantly regretted every time he’d argued back with the other when he voiced a negative outlook or view on the world. Because it had led to this; him not believing this was worth staying here.

Now he knew Yuan was right, he was condemning him to suffer. He might be the bad guy here, but at this point, he was in too deep. He couldn’t let Kratos leave even if he knew it was the right thing to do.

It made him sick how it had gotten to this.

But Kratos was still standing next to him when he took a glance beside him. He wasn’t leaving. It wasn’t a repeat of their first visit here a long time ago.

There was still a chance.

Lloyd didn’t think anything he said to him would reach his companion tonight though.

“Let’s go back to the inn and sleep. It’s late.”

That was the end of the discussion.

And Lloyd knew that just with that comment he was digging the knife in deeper.

Kratos cannot sleep after all.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> my fav chapter i think  
take this with a pinch of salt too since its from lloyds pov   
and now all the pre written chapters are posted i need to get my ass in gear and write the final chapter
> 
> i dont have anyone checking for grammar/spelling errors so sorry if there are any  
thanks for reading


	5. Chapter 5

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Becoming and ending.

Like when Kratos was going to leave the first time, Lloyd had known it was coming. Inevitable.

It was the same again. And what could he do? He had tried so many times and what had come of it?

When he’d asked him to stay, he was thoroughly convinced they could make things work, no doubt had plagued his mind. They would become closer and know each other, get to build a relationship finally. But after two years that hope had been worn down. If his past self could see him, he wasn’t sure he’d recognise him anymore.

It wasn’t the everyday that was hard, it was the bigger picture that never went unsolved. That chipped away at him each day.

Slowly, just like Kratos had lost hope in them connecting, he was becoming the same. Lloyd stopped nagging and asking random questions. Stopped going out of his way to try to get to know him. Stopped conversation.

Like father, like son.

He had become what he had resented. He had become what he had sworn to change.

And maybe he was the cause of it all. Maybe he wouldn’t have become like this if he hadn’t been selfish and asked a task so heavy of Kratos. Lloyd was the bad guy, he had started this all in the first place. He should have resigned to what they had before and let him go.

But he hadn’t. So convinced that he could change a man so set in the past, so consumed by guilt and in a cycle that he can’t get out of. Lloyd was a fool to the end.

It started with Lloyd waking up to a cold bed and no one beside him.

He didn’t ask where Kratos went at night and pretended to be asleep when he returned in the morning.

Kratos probably could tell he was awake but didn’t ever mention it.

They had almost gotten all the exspheres in the world and Lloyd started dragged his steps, found things to distract from their task and delay the completion when he realised that things would end soon.

Kratos stopped eating at meals. But what right did Lloyd have to complain, when he was forcing him to keep up that image in the first place. Kratos couldn’t taste. Lloyd didn’t say anything and now started cooking for one instead.

When they got the last exspheres Lloyd wasn’t sure how fast things would happen. He knew what was coming and felt anxiety at knowing he couldn’t delay it like last time.

He also didn’t know what he was going to do now. What came next for him? This had been his life for two years.

The greenery of the South Eastern Abbey’s grass was keeping him from crying right now. It was flourishing. The small building there a reminder of the curse he’d doomed a little sister to for never gaining someone’s full trust, for putting his faith in another who at the end of the day, hasn’t put his faith in him.

Lloyd didn't like to reflect on how he could have done things differently when it’s in the past now. But part of him wondered if he hadn’t let his blind hope in Kratos lead him, what would have changed? If he had managed to get over the youthful boyish crush on him which ended up staying with him until it became something more. If things could have been different.

Lloyd didn’t feel resentment to Kratos back then, he did now but not for his treatment of him. Never. He’d forgive him again and again for pointing a sword at him, as unhealthy as it may be.

He was resentful that he’d become him. He’d lost his hope, he’d lost the enthusiasm for life and felt drained by it all.

And Kratos probably knew that too. That’s why he never mentioned or lashed out about it to him. The man knew, he was already beating himself up about it inside already. He didn’t need more to add to the list.

“Lloyd.”

Turning from the grassy hills and sea he looked at his companion.

“It’s over now. You know what happens next.”

Sometimes he thought they couldn’t understand each other at all, but maybe he was wrong. They knew each other’s intentions and feelings without words now. Lloyd knew that Kratos was leaving and there was nothing he could do this time.

“Yes.”

And all Lloyd was left with at the end of two years was a pendant with a picture of him and a family he never really knew and a broken heart.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> the ennndddd
> 
> im proud of myself for not leaving this unfinished at the very least, i started it when i was motivated but by the end i didnt care much for the fic. itll probably be the only multichapter fic ill ever write, that wordcount is just too much for me  
i have other ideas i much more want to write so i want to move onto them haha.. sorry kralloyd  
but i overall on reflection of this fic think i could have done some things differently and planned more but overall yeah, its alright. if my past self read this they'd be happy and thats all that matters
> 
> i dont have anyone checking for spelling/grammar so im sorry if there are any errors  
thanks for reading


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